How to Make Mac and Cheese like a 47 year old Black Man

I will share with you the secrets of the old ways.

Ingredients:

Six tablespoons unsalted butter, plus more to grease the dish. Shit. Just go twelve tablespoons. Fuck it.

Salt. Don’t matter what kind.

16 ounces of elbow noodles or shells. Don’t use penne pasta. It sucks.

About a half a cup of flour.

Whole milk. Get the expensive stuff. You’ll need about two cups or more. Don’t be cheap.

A Bay leaf, for some reason.

Cayenne Pepper.

Two cups Monterrey Jack Cheese.

Two cups Gruyere cheese.

One cup Cheddar Cheese.

A cup of Gouda cheese.

(Note: The more expensive the cheese, the better).

Cup of panko breadcrumbs.

About a half cup of parmesan cheese.

First, get a big baking dish. You know, the big one. Glass is fine. Preheat the oven to 400. Get a big pot, the big one, put some water in it, about half way. Get the water boiling. My mom told me to salt the water first, make it taste like the sea, so do that. It’ll make it boil faster anyway. While you wait for it to boil, shred your cheeses. Shred all of it. All of it. All of it. This is a Holiday. Just shred all of it into a big bowl. Shred all of it. Monterrey Jack gives it a punch. The Cheddar gives it depth. Gruyere and Gouda make it creamy. You need all the different cheeses to give it that flavor and depth. Shred all of it. Even when you think you don’t need all that cheese, shred all of it. All of it! Now, go to the pasta. It’s done by now. Drain it. Empty out the water from the pot you used to boil the pasta. That’s going to be our sauce pot now. No sense making more dishes.

Now. The roux.

This is the most important part. If you fuck this up, your mac and cheese is going to be nasty and you’ll be embarrassed in front of your family.

Put a stick of butter in there. Just put the whole stick in. Under low heat, LOW HEAT, let the butter melt. You want the butter to be almost melted. Then, put the flour in and don’t stop stirring. Not even for a second. If someone asks you a question, don’t answer it. Tell them you’re busy. You have to stir it. Just keep stirring. You want the flour to get a little brown. About as brown as a wooden spoon. Once you see it browning, pour some milk in there slowly and stir. You want it to be smooth and give to the spoon. If it thickens and looks like a mass of unmoving mess, pour more milk in there. Milk will save this, as long as you pour a little in, stir, pour a little in, stir. At this point, the roux should be nice and smooth. Take it off the heat if you need to. That’s fine. You should be able to stir it like it’s a rich, creamy cheese sauce without the cheese.

Put the bay leaf in. Who knows why. Now, take a handful of cheese, put it in the pot, low heat, stir, more cheese, stir. It if gets stiff, milk, stir, cheese, stir, Taste it. If it tastes weak, maybe more cheddar. Stir. Cheese. Taste. Maybe some salt. Put the cayenne pepper in there. About a pinch or more. You do that until all the cheese is in there and it is smooth and creamy. Taste it. It should be creamy and easy to stir. Once you feel good about it, put all the doodles in and stir. Take it off the pot. Taste it. It might need some salt. But, if you didn’t fuck up the roux, it should be good. Don’t forget to take the bay leaf out. And, no, I have no idea what the bay leaf does. Just do it.

(Note: Some people, at this point, will crack an egg or two and put it in the noodle mixture at this point. I don’t know. That’s not my thing. But I respect non-traditional ideas, so you do you. Ask your Mom to see how she does it, preferably a Mom who knows how to cook. I don’t know about this egg thing. Maybe. I don’t know).

Now, get a pain. Butter. Melt it. Panko. Stir until brown. Put the pan to the side. Get the big pan for the Mac and Cheese. Dump the doodles and cheese in there. Smooth it out so it’s even. Then put the Pankos on top. Then parmesan. Put it in the oven and watch it. No timer. You have to stand there, with the oven light on, and watch it the entire time. No, you can’t go watch football. Your life is this Mac and Cheese. Sit and watch it. Watch it. Once you see it bubbling on all sides, take it out. It’s done.

            Things to watch out for:

            If your roux is stiff and won’t give, dump it. You fucked it up.

            Don’t over cook the Mac and Cheese.

            Balance the flavors of the cheese. You need a balance. One cheese ain’t enough.

            You should make two dishes. The Mac and Cheese for the entire family, and the secret Mac and Cheese just for you and maybe your sisters and your wife when you get hungry later.

            The only true Mac and Cheese is baked Mac and Cheese. Don’t trust anyone who says different.